Final Post... Relationships

                Although I have been dating the same person for the past two years and I am currently engaged to her, I will give my best guess as to what I would do in an experimenting relationship stage. I would make sure to stay in the phase of small talk and not let the conversations that we have steer toward deeper matters. The book describes small talk on page 336 as “facts that enable you to lay groundwork for deeper conversation.” Although it is groundwork for something more intimate, I think that it is key to keep to only small talk so that a bond does not grow greater in the experimenting relationship. The most blunt and obvious thing that I would do to convey that a the relationship was just a “test-drive” is to say it, I would be blunt in conveying that I was simply testing the dating waters. If I did not feel that the relationship was going to intensify, or I did not want it to reach that point, I would terminate it completely.

                When I begin to communicate things that I would not normally share in an experimental relationship, I know that I am intensifying the relationship to another “level”.  The book does a good job of outlining the term intensifying on page 336 as sharing secrets, goals, or any past withheld information. I think one of the biggest things for myself in taking the relationship to the next level is pet names. Things like “babe”, “baby”, “sweetheart”, and other names of that type are an indicator to myself that I want to take the relationship to the next level. I may throw the occational “skank muffin” in just to switch things up (compliments of J.T. Slusser.)

                I believe that the major sign that a relationship has moved from experimenting and intensifying to integrating and bonding can be summed up in one word. Love. When a couple starts dropping the L-bomb you know it is getting serious.  The book describes the integrating phase as a time when “you and your partner’s personalities seem to become one. “We” language becomes a part of your normal vocabulary when describing your relationship.  Spending as much time as possible with each other can also be a sign of integration, but I firmly believe  that the L word is the biggest indicator of a serious relationship.

                                                                                               Picture from i-love-cartoons.com.

Online Self Image Distortion

                When I first looked over the self reflection on page fifty seven of the text I immediately thought to myself, “Distorted myself online, I ain’t no pervert, why would I do that.” After this momentary lapse of brain function I quickly realized that everyone has distorted their image somehow online and I was no exception to the norm.  Although I could not recall it at first, I remembered a specific instance recently that I had distorted my image. My facebook profile picture at the time of the distortion was a picture from high school when I was sporting around 5’10’’ 205 lbs. For my birthday my fiancé got me tickets to a Colts game and we both went down and enjoyed a very nice night in which we took a few pictures. The only problem with the pictures we took that night was that I was no longer sporting my high school slim; I was weighing in at about 240 lbs. My freshman and sophomore year had not been kind to me and I was not about to let myself broadcast that to the online community. Had I had not put on so much weight I would have most definitely put the picture as my profile picture because it was current and I was with my fiancé and I was at a colts game for crying out loud.

            As far as ethical consequences to my online distortion, I do not feel that it had any ethical problems it was simply a decision I made based on my self- image at the time. I do not believe that it was unethical by any means. I was trying to make sure that no would notice the amount of weight that I had gained. However there are some consequences to my decision of not updating my picture because people that do not see me in the real world only have my online image to go off of. It also affects my relationship a bit because I am reluctant to put pictures up of my fiancé and I because in the past I had been self conscious about how much freshman pounds I had gained. I think that my insecurities arose from the cultural norm that is accepted much like the one that is talked about in the textbook. Self image is distorted because of the culture and what is acceptable to look like and I bought into it completely with my facebook picture distortion.

                                                   

Self Reflection Answers (Page 125)

When I was growing up I was influenced in a number of ways by my family members as to what was acceptable in terms of social display rules. From a young age I was taught how to express my anger and that certain outbursts (i.e. temper tantrums) were not socially accepted anywhere. Now I grew up with five older sisters so my perception of how emotions should be expressed for men I acquired mainly from my father. My dad taught me that when something was not going my way it was not acceptable as a male in society to cry or have outburst. I was taught pretty close to the socially accepted rule that men are supposed to be the tough one and not wear there emotion on their sleeve.

I think that the display rules that I grew up with have affected me in many ways, but I specifically see this played out in my relationship. The display rules for women when it comes to emotion tend to me apt to crying and really saying how they feel about a certain situation. When it comes to dealing with emotions in our relationship I usually just suppress them and am much less likely to cry than I am to get angry about something. My relationship tends to take form of the cultural norm mentioned in chapter four on page 126. “Woman are more likely than men to express emotions that support the relationship.” I know that we are both feeling the same emotion but I tend to ignore and suppress it based on the display rules I was brought up with and those in the culture today.

I can count numerous times that I have violated the display rules in the culture for expressing emotion and ended up offending another person. The key component to each of these occasions is outbursts of anger. I have expressed emotion in unaccepted cultural vulgarity on many different occasions and have learned from each of those instances.  The most recent incident that I can think of was in an intramural volleyball game when I was tearing down the team with the words I was using. I quickly learned and am now embarrassed at my actions because I know that the way to get others have fun and usually play better is to encourage, not discourage. Every instance that I can remember that I failed to pay attention to display rules; I remember a feeling of embarrassment and scorn from others. Display rules are very important in interpersonal communication and govern what is emotionally acceptable in society.

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Action-Oriented Listener

                Before completing the listening style quiz on page 165 of the textbook I was pretty certain that I would be an action oriented listener. I had this hypothesis based on the definition that I found in the book during my reading. After I took the quiz I was not surprised to find out that I scored four check marks in the action oriented listener section. I would say that an action oriented listener is someone that is looking to what the person is saying specifically to warrant an action as a response.  Action oriented listeners tend to be annoyed with people who are all over the place when talking and cannot reach a conclusion in a timely manner.

                I can think of a few instances in which I have utilized my action oriented listening style. Last summer I was innocently walking into my house after work when the elderly neighbor lady caught up with me in the drive. Long story short, I stood there for thirty minutes while she continued to tell me story after story without losing a breath.  Her story was both disorganized and long winded and I was thoroughly annoyed. I just wanted to figure out something to say that I could put an end to the conversation. It is hard to converse with people that who have no concept of time and a different style of listening than that of mine.  Another instance that I use action oriented listening is in arguments with my fiancé.

                Before I go into the cost and benefit analysis of my listening style I would like to use the book as an application to the definition of action oriented listener. Action oriented listener want brief, to the point, and accurate messages from others-information they can then use to make decisions or initiate courses of action (Textbook.) To describe the benefits and costs of action oriented listeners I want to use my fiancé conversations as an example. My fiancé is more of a people oriented listener, so she tends to get into the emotional connection in listening. A major drawback of being an action oriented listener is often times I try to think of what I am going to say next or what action I can do as a result of what the other person is saying. A benefit to being an action oriented listener is that I often times have something to say back to someone and am also able to reach responses of action.  My fiancé and I usually run into problems because she tends to be a people oriented listener and she tries to reach the emotional reasons for the problem while I am looking for an action that can fix the problem. Overall I am satisfied that I am an action oriented listener.

Personal Space Invasion Experiment

           I chose to do an experiment for my Communications class that required me to make a personal space invasion while conversing with someone else. From the moment the experiment was assigned I knew what I would do. I wanted to stand closer than normal to someone while I talked to them, at least three inches from their face. I chose the workplace as my testing lab for the experiment. Instead of trying the invasion on only one subject I chose three people that I could experiment with.  I hypothesized that I would see many of the same characteristics displayed by each of the test subjects. Through my experiment I saw three main things; an initial shock, inquiry as to what I was doing, and anger at my persistence in the exercise.

            Each of my three subject’s initial response went something like this, “Dude, what are you doing?” Well in two of the instances it was a bit more colorful than that, but the overall message was still the same. They had no idea as to why I was so close to them while conversing. In some cultures it is polite and acceptable to converse in close quarters; however, in the culture of the United States people tend to like and expect their personal space. The first term that I credit with the awkwardness of the experiment is from chapter one, culture. The practices of our culture make people believe that if I am talking to close to them then I am invading their personal space.

            The second response to my invasion of personal space was the subjects questioning the motives as to what I was doing. When their personal space was invaded they did not know why I was doing such a thing, so they began to question me. I played it off like I was just acting normal, but it did not work. I could not pretend that space invasions like that were normal. People know what their personal space is and they tend to defend it. The terms from the reading that I credit this too come from chapter seven, personal space and social space. Personal space for someone in the U.S. is defined in the book as the wingspan of that person. Social space is actually a greater distance then personal space. My experiment was an invasion of both and in every instance spurred some kind of anger from each of my subjects.

            The main things that I saw through this exercise were people want and expect their personal space. Like a child who gets a toy taken away, the subjects did not respond well to their space being invaded.  Another term that I uncovered in chapter seven reading that could be a major reason to people being angered my invasion is the concept that from 0-18” is what people consider intimate space.  Since my male co-workers had no intention of getting intimate with me, I can see why they were so upset. Although each subject displayed their own response, all of them showed similar characteristics that voiced their distaste.

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